One friend lost his father yesterday. Another friend is waiting for her mother to die at any moment. A third friend just texted that her father needs another surgery to remove cancer from his heart.
I am so fucking done with this shit!
I feel like all I do here is bitch about the crazy boss, but this is the only place I can vent.
I'm going to lose my ever loving mind. It's my last full week here before I start the three days at the other job. I have already worked a 9 hour day with no break for lunch. She spent 6.5 hours here and on her way out the door is complaining because I'm not planning to stay much longer. Then she goes off on me about how I'm not professional and I have no loyalty because:
a.) I only gave her two weeks notice (last I checked professional standard is to give the equivalent of your vacation time--I have NONE)
b.) When I originally told her that this was a possibility (and I'm sorry, who tells their boss they may get a job offer from someone else) it was going to be two days at the other job and three days with her psychoticness. Well, in order to get me the benefits I need, they switched that.
So, I am an evil disloyal person for whom SHE has bent over backwards and been unfailingly generous. Somehow, her taking advantage of the fact that I was out of work and getting me to come in and bail her ass out of the fire when someone else walked out the door with NO notice was the ultimate in magnanimous generosity. She seriously sees it that way. My friend, a licensed clinical social worker who used to work at the same facility has offered to show me her psychoticness' specific personality disorders from the diagnostic manual.
When I said that the reason for the switch was so I could get the benefits, she pointed out that she had offered to get me benefits (which is true). What I can't say to her, because I need the money to keep the wolves from the door, is that I just used that as an excuse and the truth is that I would all but sell my soul to be free of the private hell that is working for her. I don't WANT to be her employee. It's bad enough being her contractor. The dynamic is different. Besides, she was offering to get me on the health insurance, not give me vacation time, 403B, etc.
I don't know what heinous crime I committed in a past life, but damn, I'm paying for it in this one.
Thanks. I just needed to vent.
"Thump. Thump. Thump."
That would be the sound of me banging my head against my desk after explaining for the Nth time to someone who is all but functionally technologically illiterate just how database structure works. "But how come you can pull that information for the other thing?" Well, because I entered that information myself and it is entered properly. The fact that the whiners in the front office didn't want to be bothered with entering it the way I said it should be done in the first place is why I now have to go in and manually correct this stupid f#@$ing report, which is going to take me for freaking ever to get done.
Someone please just shoot me now!!
For the one or two people here who are not SCA friends, this will not make a whole lot of sense. Sorry.
I wanted to write this to express my feelings about our most recent crown tournament and the fallout that has ensued. When I started seeing things on FB in the following days, I knew something was up. I went to my most trusted source--my brother. Brutal honesty is part of his makeup. He's one of the most objective people I know. He told me the story in the barest facts he could. My reply was, "all that's going to happen is that it's going to give people a reason to pick sides." I have never been so unhappy to be so correct.
I have remained silent and I have not picked sides for several reasons and I want to share them.
1.) I wasn't there. Any information I have is second hand at best. Sorry folks, but this is heresay evidence and it is not admissable in my court. As much as I trust my brother, he is still a human being and as objective as he tries to be, that's going to leak through. If you weren't there and didn't witness it first hand, I'm sorry, all you're spouting is opinions and right now, they're not helpful. They are adding to the deviciveness of the situation and are part of the problem. Let whatever your opinions of the individuals involved which you hold be solely based on YOUR interaction with them, not on what people told you about the day.
2.) I'm not a peer. Quite frankly, because I am not, my opinion will not hold weight with many people, so I'm not going to express it. It will, however, reflect on those peers with whom I am connected and I will never do anything knowingly to tarnish their reputations to anyone's eyes. I wear a green belt. I am part of a household. In the eyes of many, I am considered a reflection of the one who gave me the belt and the leaders of that household. They long ago earned my love and respect, and part of that is making sure that my presence reflects well on the good people they are.
3.) I don't want to make it worse. The more people take sides, the more damage we do to our kingdom. I have seen arguments. I have seen someone refer to The Evil Prince, which really upset me. (I'm sorry, as much as I have invested in this, it is still a game. Someone messing with your fun does not make them evil. That is a word I reserve for those who willfully bring destruction to the world purely for the sake of destruction. The results of their actions leave literal, not figurative bodies in their wake.) I will not use such names or disagree with anyone's opinion on this subject because I will not willingly contribute to the polarization of this kingdom.
4.) I serve at the pleasure of my king. In the days that followed, our good king asked all of us to work to heal our kingdom. In a true gesture of nobility, he took full responsibility for the day. Such nobility deserves to be answered in kind. I will honor his words and him by continuing to participate in events, no matter who is there. I will continue to serve my kingdom and the crown, no matter who wears it.
This does not mean that I think we should forget what happened that day. We can not. We must not. We must learn from our mistakes, but we must MOVE ON. Holding on to hurts serves no one. It does not serve the individuals involved and it does not serve the kingdom. If the anger is over a lack of chivalry then our response must be to demonstrate chivalry and true chivalry demands that we forgive. We do not forget. We learn, but we let go and build something better.
We can not control the actions of others. We can only control our own actions. So for me, I will work to do my best to always act according to those ideals we hold in high esteem: honor, courtesy and chivalry. I will treat others as I wish to be treated. I will be courteous to all. I will speak when my words will serve to improve the situation and stay silent when they will not.
I will lend my voice and my instruments to the day to give that newcomer who has no idea of the internal politics roiling behind the scenes a moment of magic. We all have that moment, that time out of time in the SCA which made us believe in this organization and what it can be. Those are the moments we need to discuss. Those are the times we need to emblazon in our memories. Those are the flames that banish the darkness.
I will work and I will fail. I am human. I can only hope that others will display chivalry so I will be forgiven when I do fail, and may then learn and grow from my own mistakes.
So, the week did finally end on a high note.
- Walked just shy of 2 miles this morning and my knees aren't screaming too loudly
- Down another 9 lbs since last month.
- Had a conversation via PM with a dear friend who lives far away.
- Got to deliver a surprise birthday cake to a friend from her sister.
- Got to hang out with friends at the small party at a restaurant for said birthday.
- The friend with the birthday gave me a sweet small gift to deliver to my dad, or as she calls him, her "other dad."
I am a bad pet owner with a wonderful pet.
It hit me tonight that while, yes, I had been down in the basement in the last few days, it had been to get laundry from the dryer, not to clean Sunny's box. I went down tonight to completely swap it out, knowing it would be a major mess.
Well, Sunny decided it was too dirty to poop in, so he pooped on the floor nearby...and then apparently decided to pull clean litter out of the open bag to cover it up. He would not, however pee anywhere but in the box so I do not have to deal with that smell.
I am feeling guilty for not taking better care of him while concurrently being mildly alarmed by his problem-solving skills.
The agency called this morning. The company wanted to know what I would want for an annual salary. They had more interviews today, but I should hear soon.
Well, the flat tire put a crimp in my plans for the evening. I was supposed to head out to my old high school for a reception they were holding for the secretary who was retiring. She was there while both my brother and I were in school, and her son was a year behind me. I had hoped to see some old friends. Cruising down route 287, there was suddenly lots of noise from the rear passenger tire. I pulled off to take a look--pancake. I was on the phone with Firestone emergency service when not one, not two, but THREE NJDOT emergency service trucks pulled over. They changed my tire and sent me on my way. It was now too late to make the reception.
It was not too late, however, to turn around, pick up a cake and surprise my brother at fight practice for his birthday!
I managed to get in, get the cake uncovered and candles in place without him seeing me. His new man-at-arms provided the lighter for the candles. I stepped in and called out "Hey Jan." He had his back to me and was in the middle of a conversation, so he just put his hand out behind him with a finger up to say, "I heard you, give me a minute"...and Sir Doug Henry just started singing "Happy Birthday" at which point, he turned around, dumbfounded to see me walking in with the lit cake. It was priceless!!
So, plans changed, but I still had a blast. I hung out and chatted with his new man-at-arms to get an idea of his musical background. He wants to start doing SCA music (and do it right!), but can currently only read bagpipe music. I'm going to get him started on a recorder to learn to read and then we can indoctrinate him with shawms!! MWAH HAH HAH!!!!!
So, I haven't really been looking at the Kingdom calendar recently. With the lack of full-time employment, I've been keeping close to home and not spending the money. Last week, I got a note from my laurel asking me about going to bardic champions.
I hadn't planned on it, but she obviously wanted me to compete. I didn't have anything prepared, so it I just went with pieces I know. It was an interesting day. I stayed up way too late the night before, hanging with my friends ( kls_eloise
and family) who were giving me a place to crash. I was tired, a little hyped up on caffeine and apparently VERY hyped up on adrenalin. I am almost never nervous performing...unless it's a competition. By the time the second round came up, my vocal control was SHOT. Thankfully, since I was singing a very emotional piece, that masked a lot of the control issues and people loved it. I came away with several tokens and a lot of people came up to me to thank me for that performance. Later in the day I was talking to someone who asked me if I had even realized that I had received a standing ovation. The queen had asked me a question as the applause began, and because I was leaned over to talk to her, I hadn't even seen it.
For the final round they asked me to play something. It kind of put me at an instant disadvantage. While I am a perfectly competent instrumentalist, I don't have virtuosity of some of my friends (I'm looking at you hudebnik
), and I don't play the amazing range of instruments of others (like shalmestere
who plays EVERYTHING well). I chose a line from a de Lassus ricecare to play on tenor recorder, which was lovely, but did not have the punch of the drinking songs and comedic tales requested from the other finalists. There were also a couple of blips because I didn't have anywhere that I could play through it beforehand and adrenaline makes my fingers go places I don't always tell them. So, I wasn't surprised when they chose others as the winners.
I was actually perfectly happy with this outcome. I didn't really want the responsibility, but I did want to let people see what I can do. The SCA can have a really short institutional memory about these things and I haven't done much solo performing recently. My laurel was happy with how things turned out, though disappointed that her class kept her from hearing the second performance. Afterwards, I headed back to my friends in CT where I enjoyed a lovely dinner and even better company.
This morning, it was up an out early so I could get to mass. What a great musical morning that was. We started with our schola singing an introit before the hymn. During mass we sang the Kyrie from the Palestrina Missa Brevis, an Anglican chant style responsorial psalm, the Allegri "Miserere," and the Paulus "Pilgrim's Hymn" for communion meditation. All of it was just glorious.
Here's the Paulus for those who don't know it...
Now I'm home with the kitty curled up next to me on the couch. I was going to go back to church for a recital this afternoon, but getting off of the highway by my house, the car started acting up, so I'm not going anywhere but straight to a mechanic in the morning (sigh). I'm grateful that it waited until I was at a point that I could stay home. I think I'm going to take a nap with Sunny and chill for the rest of the day.